HOW NOT TO BEHAVE DURING A MOVIE SEX SCENE
From 2blowhards.com, which has lots of other good stuff too:
With age, though, I've grown fond of taking note of the ways those who can't handle movie sex discharge their uneasiness. My favorite response to movie sex occurred during a showing of Mira Nair's "Kama Sutra." (I don't recommend the movie, by the way; though it was full of NC-17 nudity and had a lot of sensual qualities, it doesn't have much else working in its favor.) The Wife and I were at a mid-afternoon weekday showing at the cineplex -- bargain-matinee time.
About midway through the movie a scrawny old gent tottered in, evidently having skipped out on another movie. He looked around the dark, shuffled his way to a seat, and only then looked up at the screen, which was full of dusky, damp, humping flesh."Jumpin' Jehosophat!!!" he said, very loudly. "Would you look at what those young people are doing!!!" And he kept up the old-coot commentary throughout what remained of the movie. "That's quite a keister on that princess!!!" he'd squawk. Or "Good lord almighty, what are they doing to each other?!!!"
Not quite in the same league but still pretty amusing was an older Chinese man sitting alone in the row in front of us at "In the Cut" yesterday. He was a small guy with an armful of snacks -- cans of soda, boxes of candy, a huge container of popcorn. I checked him out with concern before the lights went down, but he turned out to be OK -- a discrete and lowkey spectator. Or he was until Meg Ryan's first sex scene, that is, when he began eating his popcorn faster and faster and faster. And louder and louder. The chomping got so frenzied that I looked over at him in alarm; he was moving popcorn from the tub to his mouth about as fast as a human being could. He clearly wasn't doing this to be funny; it was his way of handling the intensity of the scene. I turned my own attention back to the screen; Meg was doing a swell job with her character's erotic moment. And then -- honest to god -- just as the scene's climax was reached, the little Chinese guy popped open a can of soda. Pffffssssst!